Insomnia
by Caitlynnn
Summary: Eli struggles with insomnia and finds himself a job at the local diner. One night at three in the morning, a girl named Clare Edward's shows up. *Thinking of making it a series*
1. Chapter 1

_Eli_

I had struggled with Insomnia after she died. Sleepless nights. I mostly drove around Toronto. Over and over. I had memorized the easiest ways to escape. I knew where every bump in the road, every pot hole out in the country. The places that were safe, the places you should stay away from. I didn't do much. I mostly thought about it.

No matter how many times I try pushing it away, it's there. I had tried crying. Most people will say it's ridiculous. It's not. Not if the person was your only friend. We had that level understanding.

I had gotten a job. I worked at a diner. Not many people came by at the diner. The one's who did were truck driver's. People who were lost. I'd see a few people now and then from school. But they came around twelve. Early somewhat.

"Eli," I heard Barbra say. I looked up to her. "There's a girl." I nodded. I put my English assignment away and I went to her.

I walked over to her, handing her a menu. "I'm Eli." I say in a lifeless voice. She looks up at me. "Uh, thanks." She says pointing to the menu and smiles. I go back and bring her water. "Is there anything else you'd like?" I ask her. "Um. Tea." She sighs. "Hot or ice?" I ask. She shrugs. "I guess ice." She says. I nod.

I get a cup and fill it up with tea, and getting the box of different types of sugars. "Here you go." I hand it to her. "Do you go to Degrassi?" She says right before I leave. I nod. "Eli Goldsworthy." I tell her. I go back to my assignment.

_Clare_

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the fighting. The screaming. My mom threw her curling iron at my dad. I didn't think it'd be this bad. They couldn't agree on anything. They didn't even realize I was gone half of the time.

I was breaking apart piece by piece. I didn't have a sister to cry with. No person to love me, or I to love. So, I got on my bike, at three o'clock in the morning and left, went across town, and here I am. I'll be ready for school when the time comes around.

I had lost sleep from the continual fights. No matter how many times I try to close my eyes, the echos would still be there. When I woke up. I realize I wasn't dreaming. It was reality. Most of the time I wish they would get the divorce over. Other times I wish I could do something to stop this. But that's the thing. I don't know how. I never thought it was possible to fall out of love. But there's the word.

Fall.

So, I wonder. Did they love each other beforehand? Or too young to realize what they were young. Love should last forever.

I sigh. I guess I'll never know the answer…I grab my tea and slowly drink it slowly. I look around the diner. It's been here for years. I haven't been here. I just knew it was here. I had passed by it when my mom and I go down and visit my aunt. It's kind of in the outskirts, this diner.

"So, do you want anything else?" Eli, asks. I sigh. "What do you suggest?" I ask. "At three o'clock in the morning…um, pie?" He says raising his eyebrow. "What's the best kind?" I ask. He looks up in the air like it'll give him an answer. "Well, my girlfriend always liked pumpkin." He suggests. I shake my head. "Allergic." I laugh lightly. "Wow. That sucks. Okay, apple?" He tries again. I shrug. "That's fine."

I look in my wallet and see how much it is. Crap. Why did I only bring two bucks. That's enough for the drink only. "Wait, sorry. I don't have enough." He looks down. "Don't worry about it. The chef is falling asleep back there. I might as well have him do something. It's on me." He turns around going to the kitchen.

"Thanks." I say too late.

**I don't know if I should continue. But this actually kind of based on my life personally. I went to a diner right after a friend of mine died, and I met someone. We're still friends.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I had two rough drafts for the next part. The first rough draft didn't have Eli or Clare talking to each other…I'm all about back story, and everything. So they are going to talk to each other, but it's going to be built up…**

_Eli_

My shift had ended. During the wee hours of the morning I managed to get my English assignment done.

The girl named Clare was still there when I hung up my apron. I decided to refill her cup once more. I smirked and left in Morty.

When I got home I suspected my dad to be home. He was most likely sleeping upstairs passed out on the couch. I went over to the fridge and made myself some eggs and quickly ate them.

Thirty minutes left. I hate going to my room but I need to. I feel trapped in there. Like I'm suffocating. I unlock my door and sigh as I enter with a heavy heart. God. My mess. I stand therem letting everything hit me.

I wish I could let things go. I'm scared to forget things. Memories are everything to me. I slowly make my way to my dresser. I take my shirt off putting it on my bed, I get a new shirt my mom bought me. Dead Hand is the best. I put that on and my blazer.

I sit on my double bed, moving things out of the way. I think I'm going to skip first period…

_My uncle and I were really close. He was kind of my inspiration for the way I acted. Whenever my mom and dad hit a rough patch, he'd come pick me up and take me to Watermelon Music Store. We burned each other CD's, traded comics. He introduced me to Chuck Palahniuk. My uncle was always quoting Chuck Palahniuk._

"_Okay, who is she?" He asked pulling to a stop. I look at him confused. "The girl. Don't act stupid. You're smiling more than usual." He teased. There's no way out of it. I sighed and rolled my eyes in defeat. "Her name is Julia." He nods. "And? Keep going kid." He laughs messing with my hair. "I really like her. She's my best friend, and my only friend.." I laugh. "Well, whose fault is that?" Not a question. "Mine, I know. But she's different." I notice when I say this, every girl someone likes is different. I laugh._

"_Just wait," He said. "She'll turn you into a sap." I rolled my eyes. "Just remember, Every woman is a different kind of problem." Of course, Chuck Palahniuk. _

_My uncle died that night I told him about Julia. After he dropped me off at my house, he went out on the freeway, got himself stuck in a three car pile up. He was the car that was piled on. _

I didn't take it as a bad omen at the time. I look back on it now…I should have known.

I go downstairs getting ready to leave with Morty. My mom sees me. She looks spent. She comes over, runs her hands through my hair. "Hi baby boy. Shouldn't you be at school?" She says as she pulls me into a hug. A warm tinge runs through me. I shouldn't be here in her warm embrace. I let go of her grip on me, and grab my things and go.

I knew my parents loved me. I also knew they wanted to spend time with me. I had locked myself in my own misery. I kept pushing them away until I pushed them so far that they just stopped trying.

That was probably better. Less painful that way for both of us.

_Clare_

I had studied some math, cramming it in before the test, making sure I had it down. If I couldn't fix things with my parents, I was definitely going to try to fix things with my grade.

I got a text from my mom around six asking me where I was. I rolled my eyes as I answered. She cared now. Three hours later.

I shake away the memory It's not even seven-thirty. I grab my stuff and pay upfront. She said everything was covered. If I saw Eli at school I would have to thank hi, I'm trying to figure out who he hung out with. He's a little put there. Yet again, so am I.

I haven't really decided where I'm going. I don't feel like going home. I guess I'll go to The Dot. Its usually busy in the morning. Allie wanted me to meet her there anyway. I loved her and everything but I needed my space. I've been feeling like I was a caged monkey with everyone staring.

It wasn't true though. But my life is making me think some crazy things lately.

"Hey Clare." I hear K.C say. I smile a little. "Hey K.C." We weren't on talking terms. I had let the Jenna thing go, but he kept wounding himself. Everyone knows Jenna's baby daddy was K.C. So he split.

I needed someone right now. Considering what K.C. had just done, he wouldn't have stuck with me. He's there for the thin, not so much for the thick.

I try to keep in check, I try not judge people too quickly. He was the first person I went out with. That'll always stick.

"Ahhh, Clare you made it!" Allie. She pulls me into a hug. "I said I was coming." I let her go.

"What did you do last night? You look worn." I shrugged. "It happens." I tell her. I borrow some money from Allie and I go to the cash register.

"Hey Peter," I smile. He looks more worn out than me. "Oh, hey Clare." He sighs. "Long night." He tells me. Aren't they all.

School went by quick. I didn't get to see Eli. I wasn't even sure if he made it.

Mom was going to her sister's house for tonight, dad left for "work" I rolled my eyes. Sure.

Empty house. I keep sending my sister emails, telling her how much I miss her, and how much I wish she was here. I could use some girl talk. I feel trapped in my mind. Lost in thought, not being able to find my way out.

To some it isn't a big deal. Whatever…

I pull my laptop out and set my status on FaceRange. I notice K.C's post. 'Missing her' is all it says. He hadn't posted anything since this morning. I don't think I want a relationship if everyone splits in the end.

I kill time for a few hours on homework. It was about that time I could use Allie. She could pass time, and talk for the both of us. What time was it? I look over at the clock. God, I have five more hours of time to kill.

I go up into my room, lay down, close my eyes. I think of something to drown out my thoughts. I have flashbacks of the hot curling iron hitting my dads face. I had never seen them so mad. I don't even know what the fight was about.

"Ugh!" I moan getting up. I grab my laptop and put in my backpack, and get my bike from the garage and start to pedal to the dine. It takes forty five minutes to get there. Almost two by the time I do get there. The only car I see is BMW and a..a hearse? I laugh. Interesting.

I enter in after locking my back. There's two people at a booth. I go to a booth in the very back and wait.

Eli walks over. "You again." He smirks. "Yeah," I laugh and nod. "So, what will it be?" He asks looking at me, "Same thing perhaps?" He suggests. "Yeah." He turns around. "Hey, um, thanks about covering for me." He looks back, "No problem." A few minutes later he brings me my tea.

"So, I don't see you around school." I tell him. He shakes his head as he sits down. "No, probably not. I tend to blend in the background." I understand. "I'm slowly getting there…" I mumble. He looks up at me. "Really." He puts his hand in his palm. And sighs. "Insomnia sucks." I laugh.

He looks up at me, "You're cursed with it too." He laughs.

"I have my reasons." I sigh.

He looks at me again. "I'd like to hear them." He almost smiles.

**This chapter is a lot longer than the on before. What do you guys think? Haha..**


	3. Chapter 3

**A reviewer asked me if Eli's parents had marriage problems, the answer is yes. What relationship doesn't. Some more than others.. Anyways, This story is starting out slow…Sorry, I like to develop characters. If you would like to see anything in the story, feel free to tell me..**

_**Eli**_

I still had a job to do. Two people arrived. I got up from the booth and got them some water. "Good morning." I tried to smile. "Here's your water." I sat it down in front of them. "So, are you poor kid." I look at the guy. He reminds me of Bullfrog. Scruffy looking. "No sir. Can't sleep at night." I leave and laugh.

I go back to the booth. Clare looks up from her laptop. "What?" She asks smiling. I look at her eyes. "You have pretty eyes." I tell her. "Uh, thanks…is that what you were laughing at?" She says. I shake my head. "No. It's nothing." I look back down at my cards.

I notice her paying close attention to her laptop. "What are you doing?" I ask laughing lightly. "Ugh, writing." She grimaces. I nod. Something we have in common. "So you like writing..." I muse. She nods. I want to ask her more questions. But I shake my head. Can't get close. I shake the thought.

I flip my page on my history. For ten minutes I write my cards down for my history. I better go check on them, I sigh as I get up. "Okay, so what will it be?" They both order the biscuit and gravy. I don't even know if the gravy is any good.

I walk to the kitchen. "Hey Favio! Wake up!" I splash some water. He gets up from his seat. "What's the order boss?" He says, yawning. "Here," I give him the slip. He looks at it. And nods.

I go back to my booth. "So, you never told me, why you can't sleep at night." I look at her like I'm challenging her. She looks down, exhaling air. "My parents, they aren't really getting along." She shakes her head. I frown. "I know how that is…" I shrug, "But every couple goes through stuff." I try to encourage. I don't know the whole story. But I know there is one. There's always one.

"Eli!" I hear Barbra exclaim. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Customers. It's four in the morning. I shake my head. I go into the kitchen. "Dude." I push Favio a little. He snores but wakes up. "The food." God, he signed up for staying up late. He needs to make an effort. He quickly gets to the gravy. "Thank God, its okay." He puts a hand on his heart.

I shake my head a smirk. "Don't give yourself a heart attack." I scoff.

"Here you guys go." I put in front of them. I'm nauseated. I haven't been eating much lately. I take their drinks and refill them. The lady who reminds me of my mom gives me a twenty. "Keep it…" God, do I look poor? Maybe I should take a shower. I smirk as I walk away. I go put the money in the cash register, and keep the tip. I hear the door open again. I turn.

You're kidding.

_Clare_

I give up on this fan fiction for Fort Night. I'm at a writer's block. Eli sits next to me. He gets his stuff and puts it in his backpack. "What?" I ask worried. "Um…explain later..Maybe." He gets up and hurries to the kitchen. Okay?

I hear screeching to tires. I look. More people. I shake my head. Did I do something?

I roll my eyes. I try to figure out what to do. The girl named Barbra comes over to refill my tea. "Do you know where he went?" I ask her. She shrugs. "The boy has always been a little strange."

I'll find him at school tomorrow. Or this morning.

I get up from my booth, pay the bill and leave. My back pack is a little heavy. I don't know where I'm going.

I get my bike but I don't get on it. I walk down the street.

I should be in bed like a regular kid. Having dreams about nice things. But recently, my dreams have been nightmares. I see a hearse parked on the side of the road. I think that's Eli's car.

I go quickly over there, knock on the window. He looks at me surprised. Is he okay? I see tears at the rim of his eyes. Not enough tears to call it crying, He rolls down his window. "Are you okay?" I ask.

**Sorry short chapter. I'll have more ideas for the next coming up. Ideas are welcomed..**


	4. Chapter 4

**Even though it's a main factor, in my story Clare doesn't have English with Eli. There's a reason behind it though. Just to clear it up. And it IS about insomnia, so there's not a whole lot of school in this…just school work.**

_Clare_

"I'll take you home," He said sighing. He put the car in drive. I wanted to ask him if he was okay. I wanted to help him. I didn't know this guy. I was scared to know him, so I just nodded in the darkness. It was tense the whole drive home. The only thing happening was me giving him the directions.

He looked like he was at war with himself. He'd grimace, and give up driving, and go to a stop. We ended stopping numerous times, and he'd say sorry. I would shrug it off.

Say something Clare. Anything, just something. "Who do you hang out with at school?" I started out. But then I remembered. We talked about this. I wanted to slap myself in the face. We were at a stoplight. There were no cars. I wished he would just gun it. I wanted to get out of his car. It was so uncomfortable.

"I use to hang out with a guy named Mark Fitzgerald." He says, "But that's when we were younger..I tried hanging out with him over the summer before I went to Degrassi. I couldn't do it. We were two different people..He annoys me now."He shrugs it off. End of story.

He stopped in front of my house. I looked up at him. He was looking straight. "Thanks for the ride." I guess. "Don't mention it." He whispers shaking his head. I slowly get my stuff out and shut the door.

I look through the window to see if any of my parents were there. It didn't seem like it. I got my key and unlock the door taking one quick look. He was still there. It didn't look like he was leaving any time soon.

I shook my head. The TV was still on with no one watching it. I saw an empty pizza box on the floor. I go over to it about to pick it up. "Not my problem…"I whisper. My dad can be a pig if he wants to. I roll my eyes as I head upstairs. I don't think he's here.

This would be a major moment for me. Staying home alone at night in an empty house. I wish I could be happy and even joyous about this. Instead I feel angry. They should care if I'm left alone. It's like I'm not here. That I'm some sort of ghost. More anger floods throughout my body. I want to scream.

I hope I didn't make Eli angry…Before he got all weird we were talking about writing and bands. I didn't see him as some people did. Of course what do I know? I don't even know him. At all. He was probably giving me a mask.

_Eli_

It wouldn't shut up. No matter how many times I tell them to go away. It still comes more powerful than ever after seeing _them_. They didn't see me though. I hope they didn't. My past and my failure often ring in my ear.

I compose myself for a while, but then I'd break down. It was just her mom. It's not like her and her mom were close…they fought. Still…I saw her. I haven't seen her since the funeral.

After an hour I start my car up and go home. Mom is up. I see her making herself some breakfast. Her work must be tedious. I feel sorry for her. I want to be in her embrace like I was. But I know it'll chew me up if she ever leaves.

"Hey baby boy." My mom says with a worn out smile. I give her a quick nod as I head upstairs. I hear my dad on the radio. He's putting on Robert Francis.

I put in the lock. My backpack dumps all over on my floor. Then I remember. Crap. I have a report I have to have done by next week. I'm screwed. I don't even know what to write about.

I pick up my things off the floor and put them in my backpack. I'm surprised I could even find half of my stuff in my room. I trip over things of course. I feel so dead. Worn out. I don't even try taking off my shoes as I get in bed. I don't care anymore. My heart is beating fast. I feel an anxiety attack coming along. I try to think of something to distract myself from it. The first thing that pops into my head is Clare.

I feel bad that she had to see me break down like that.

**8:00 AM**

I tried staying awake in History. I had tossed and turned this morning at home. I did end up having an anxiety attack. Mom had to calm me down. I wasn't on any pills. I refused to be regulated by pills. I hated relying on things. If I was going to rely on something, I was going to rely on me.

Math didn't make much sense either. I did the homework. I was okay at it. I really didn't pay attention. By the time I got to English my naps had reenergized me. I was more awake.

"I hope you all pick someone to write about for your papers. It goes for half your grade." Great. That's just what I needed. I could pick my mom. But I already know half of this class is going to pick their parents just because they are accessible.

"Eli, I really liked your short story," Ms. Dawes says. I tell her thanks and she hands me my grade. Nice. I got an A. I stuff my paper into my already stuffed backpack.

I head over to my locker. I see Clare. She sees me and starts walking over towards me. "Hey," she says lightly. I try to smile at her, but the smile turns to a grimace. I clear my throat out. "I'm sorry about last night. That wasn't very cool of me." I look down as I tell her this. "Its fine, Eli." She puts her hand on my shoulder. I look at her hand. Where her hand is, my skin is warm. I just nod. I would spill my guts. But I don't. I won't say anything.

**1:50 AM**

I'm sitting at a booth doing my homework. Still trying to figure this out. I hear someone put their things on y table. "Uh, hey Clare." I smile.

I spent lunch time with her at The Dot. We knew the basics about each other. We didn't talk about last night. Which was a relief. But at night that was a different thing. Anything can happen at night. I sighed a little bit. "What is it?" She said. I shake my head. "I have to write about a person who has changed my life recently. And so far I have nothing." The closest thing is either Barbra, or that couple who felt sorry for me. I smirk at myself. Then I remember.

A wave of guilt washes through me. "Are you okay?" Clare asks. I didn't even know she was staring at me. I'm not having an episode like I did. I perk up. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just this paper is draining me." I quickly look down making sure I don't give away my lie.

"So," Clare looks up at me. "You never told me your reason for staying up late. Obviously there is one." She says the last part quietly. "There was this guy I knew, he had a really good friend that he cared about, and um, something happened between them, the friend got mad and something bad happened." I look at her. "Is your friend okay?" She asks me a bit confused.

"I don't think so."

**I'm finally getting somewhere with this! I'm sorry again for the slowness. It happens…But if it wasn't clarified before, Eli saw Julia's mom and stepdad at the diner, which was why he left in a hurry..Anyways, review or whatever. Ha. And if you have any ideas or anything you'd like to see then I'm open to them.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Clare_

Eli dropped me off at home a few hours after he told me that story. We didn't talk about it. He said later, when he's ready we could.

I went inside. My father was sitting on the couch with his head in his palms. I stopped and put my bag on the stairs. I walked closer to him. "Hey dad." I said. He got up immediately and pulled me into a hug. I hadn't seen him in forever it seemed like. I was pissed at him, actually. I tried pulling away, but a part of me said to stay. I could feel something.

"Dad, is something wrong?" I asked looking up at him. "Where were you?" He said. Ugh. I pulled away. "You suddenly care now?" I asked him, my voice going higher. He looks at me, stunned. "He holds up his hand. "Your mom got in a accident." He tells me. My world has finally met his match. I drop to the floor and curl up into a ball. I want to hide, run, scream. Shout. I want to break open the tile of the floor and hide under it. "Is she…dead?" I ask, my voice dropping at the last word. He shakes his head. "But she's not doing very well." He sits on the ground next to me. Does he even care?

I get up and fly to my room to change. I have to go to the hospital.

"Clare," My dad bags on my door. "Leave me alone….please." I'm desperate to be alone now. No one needs to see me break.

I walk down stairs fast nearly tripping. "Where are you going?" He says, his voice going high. "To the hospital to be with mom!" I scream. "Let me take you." He says getting his jacket. I don't want him to go. I don't want him to come with me. "I can't stand you." I whisper. He looks at me, but doesn't say anything. He looks hurt. Good. He should feel pain…I know once this blows over, I'll regret it.

It's thirty minutes to the hospital. "How did it happen?" I ask him after ten minutes of listening to the radio. He turns it down. "I don't know Clare…Your aunt called me though…I guess she took her to a club for a drink." My mom at a club. What is going on? "I know," He says, "I would have never thought…" He shakes his head. "Why are you guys divorcing?" I ask. I'm afraid to know this. It's the one thing I hate.

"_We need to talk," My mom told me, drinking her last bit of coffee. My father was next to her, looking at me. I sat down on the kitchen table. I waited for what seemed like a long time. "What about?" I tried to smile, but it fell when I saw my mom's guilty face as she looked down._

_My dad grabbed my hand. This was serious. Darcy died. My aunt died. Someone died. "We're getting a divorce." My mom whispered to me like she did when the scary parts to a book came up. "What…" I gasped. I tried to calm myself. "Why?" I blurted out. No one talked, they just stared at me._

They never explained to me why. "We…just became two different people." He starts out. "So your resolution was to divorce." I add. "I mean you could have gone to therapy." They could have talked to a counselor. They could have done many things. "It doesn't work out like that, Clare." He used his annoyed voice. "I can handle the truth dad. I'm not five anymore." I raise my voice at him. He stops at the stoplight. "I found…" My ears are ringing. I don't want to know the last part. Close him out. "Someone else." He sighs. He must feel good to let it out. I know he's been holding it in. "That's why you've been gone." I conclude. Of course. I knew the answer. I just had been denying it for so long.

"Then why are you and mom still living in the same house?" I turn to him. I fold my arms, to guard my heart, to keep myself closed in. "I've been looking for a place to stay." He says. "Another reason why I've been gone. So has your mom."

Are we at the hospital yet? I want to ask. I feel so cold now. I keep getting chewed up over and over again.

"I just don't understand this." I give up on trying now. "I mean, have you told Darcy?" I hadn't told her, guessing she already knew…"No, we haven't yet."

He stops the car. I didn't even realize we were parked. I quickly get out of the car heading towards the hospital doors not even waiting for my dad. I'm not going to school today. I just don't know what to do with myself…

_Eli_

I got home around five thirty. My dad was up. He even looked sober. "Hey kid," He said in his normal rough voice. "Uh, hey dad." Is said going to the kitchen. I grabbed a water from the fridge. "How was ummm..work?" He asks looking at me from the corner of his eye. He's making a sandwich. "Slow, as usual." I sighed. There's a lot of customers during the day. Even thought Toronto is fairly big, it was still slow. But whatever. There's so much more to do tonight. "Are you working tonight?" He asks me, taking a bite out of his sandwich. Damn, that sounds good.

"No, not tonight." I won't see Clare tonight. I would like to see her tonight…What am I thinking? I sigh and shake the thought as long as I can. "I'm off tonight." Finally. The past few days have been slow.

"CeCe went to visit a friend." At five? Well, my mom has trouble with insomnia. She was probably seeing my uncle's lonely wife. I nod. "Oh, okay, that's probably good, then." I think we all are trapped in this house. It sucks you in and it's my fault. My crap is everywhere in this house. All reminders of Julia and I. She lived with us cause she was having problems with her mom and all…My mom loved her. I Would have picked her instead of me sometimes. I know I can be an ass. I am most of the time. I use to give people a hard time because I knew I can.

But as of right now, I just don't have enough energy to say something stupid, or witty. But at night…that's always a different story.

I want to confide in Clare. I wish I had some classes with her. Our schedules are different. She has that Jesus Club she meets with at lunch. I attempted to eat with them. But off the bat they annoyed me. I would have to restrain myself for going off on them.

I look over at Bullfrog and watch him. I see that he's tired. It's like I sucked out all their energy. I had some problems when I was younger I knew that…

"_Eli, baby lets go." My mom grabbed my shoulders. "Why do I have to go to a shrink," I rolled my eyes. "We just worry about you, that's all." She told me. I sighed. I grabbed a hold of my bruise under my sleeve. I rubbed it. It hurt a lot. _

"_We just want you to talk to her. No harm in that?" She says raising an eyebrow. "Whatever." Most thirteen year olds are a little bit crazy with the emotions. "I don't want to…" I groan. She pulled me into the office. _

_Anger swelled. I dug my fingers into my palm. I restrained throwing something. She patted my head. I hated that. I hated how she would give me affection. It just makes me want throw something. I pushed my anger in before I explode._

"_Hi Mrs. Goldsworthy." Of course. She's the typical counselor. Sandy blonde hair, glasses, skinny, fake smile. With a really we care attitude. "Call me CeCe," My mom smiles. "Well, hi, CeCe." I rolled my eyes. "You must be Elijah." She said. That annoyed me so much. "It's Eli. My name is Eli." She looked at me like she was summing me up. Well, I definitely summed her up within a two seconds. _

"_Well, shall we?" She opens the door to her office. I head in sitting on the couch. "You need to be patient with him…he's difficult…" I hear my mom tell her. _

_I block her. I lift up my sleeve. My bruise. Mikey hit me pretty hard. Mark didn't help much, either. I pulled it down when I heard her come in. I looked at the puke green carpet. "So, Eli, I hear you're pretty mad about being here." She smiles at me. I nod. "Yep. You could say that." I exhale._

"_Your mom says you've been more aggressive than usual." She says looking at her papers. "What boy isn't?" I rolled my eyes. "She saw some of your bruises." She tells me flat. "Damn, you caught me." I laugh without humor. "What are they from?" She says softly. I shrug. No big deal. "I don't know one guy who doesn't have bruises." I tell her. I shrug again. "It's normal." _

_She nods. "In some ways, yes. But it's not too normal to have a black eye almost every day though." My recent black eye is still in healing. I resist the urge to touch it. "Well, that's nice." I mock. _

"_Eli, are you being bullied?" She asks me. I stare at her for a minute. "No," I tell her flatly. _

_The hour went by slowly. She kept asking me tons of questions._

_She took my mom in for a few minutes. My mom looked at me when she came out. She looked disappointed. Ugh. I screwed up everything. I'm only thirteen. I'm already causing her a whole bunch pain. "We'll see you in a few days." CeCe told her. Great. _

_I got in the car. "Let me see your arm." She told me. I didn't want to. "Eli, let me see." She grabbed it. I cringed. Oww. That hurt. A lot. She rolled up my sleeves. "How did you get this bruise?" She asks me, looking at me softly. "Nothing." I told her. "Just go, please."_

_The truth is, Mikey was rough. He hurt me a lot. He made fun of my mom. And my crush Julia. I got in my fights with him. He would take me by my hair. Throw me around. And I let him. He started giving me black eyes. I decided to fight back. "You're different." She comments as she starts the car._

I didn't go to school. I didn't want to get in the habit of not going to school like I use to. But I wanted to be with my dad. He always seemed absent when I was younger.

I went over to the Diner. To pick up my check. I saw Clare. She was at the booth. Nothing in front of her. She was just looking down. "Here you go son," Barbra gave me my check, I smiled to her as I took it from her.

"Hey." I said sitting down. "Do you not work today?" Her voice was hoarse. I looked at her. The rim of her eyes were red. "Uh, no. I just picked up my check." I told her. "Are you okay?" I ask her. She shakes her head.

I think about it for a while. I sigh. "Come on." I tell her. She looks up at me. "Where are we going?" She says. "You'll have to wait and see." I take her hand and lead her to Morty.

**The next chapter both characters walls are going down. They are going to be open with each other. I'm going to address the hoarding a bit more, cause I really haven't. But the hoarding thing is another story by itself…there's a lot to it. R&R.**


	6. Chapter 6

_Clare_

He started the car and I got in unsure of what we were doing. "So.." I mumbled. He looked over at me. I was in a car with a complete stranger. "Are you a safe driver?" I asked laughing nervously. He looks at me like I hurt him. I look away.

"For the most part," He says after an awkward silence. For the most part. I think about my dad for a while. How could he be seeing someone else? Why would he want to…I hope they don't get married. If they do, I will never forgive him. I sigh, my heart feels like it's in chains.

"Are you okay?" He looks at me from the corner of his eye. A tear streaks down my eye. I wish I didn't do this now. It's been a while since I've cried. I'm trying to hold it back. But the tears keep coming, pushing themselves out. It feels like I'm drowning. Help.

He pulls over and stops the car. He doesn't do anything. He just sits there, not looking at me.

_I heard screaming from the outside of my door. "Shh! Clare is trying to sleep!" My mom hissed. I could hear her. It didn't matter anymore. They yelled all day and all night. School was my only escape now. I turned onto my side._

_Sleep Clare. Shhh. It's okay. I sang myself to sleep most nights, but this night, it was different. A new essence was in the air. I hear banging outside my door. They weren't abusive. I know they weren't. They didn't drink either._

_I heard screams. But I realized, the screams were me. I was screaming and no one came. I got up from bed, and I called Alli. I got on my bike and spent the night at her house. "I don't know what to do." I cried in her shoulder. All she did was hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. Saint Clare is in a crisis. Great. That's what people were going to say. _

_I went home that morning. My parents were on both ends of the table, acting like nothing happened. My mom looked up at me, she drank her coffee. My dad was reading the paper. I went up to take a shower. _

_This night was the same as last night. I didn't sleep that night either. I sat up in my bed, listening. Waiting for the night to pass and bring me my morning._

My face was against the window. I shivered. I was so cold. "Clare…" Eli said. I cried more. He shouldn't be hear. "I'm sorry." I say as I breathe in some air. "I don't know what happened." I shake my head. "You don't have to talk about it." He starts the car again. He looks briefly outside, but starts to go.

"My parents are getting a divorce. And last night my mom went to the hospital." I look straight ahead. No traffic at night. No one else out here. "Why?" He whispers. He grips the steering wheel a little. "I don't know, it was some sort of car accident." I shake my head. No sleep is starting to catch up on me.

"I'm really sorry to hear about that." He seems so different now. "About your home life…Mine isn't so great either." He coughs. "Do you have parents who scream constantly too?" It would be nice to relate to someone, but I would never hope for people to relate to me. I know people have worse…but, this seems too much. "No, but it's some other stuff." He looks at me, giving me a look of understanding. He grabs my hand. We have an understanding now.

I take away my hand, holding it to my heart. "Sorry," He looks away, and keeps driving. "Where are we going?" I ask. "Somewhere you can see the stars." He laughs. "Sounds cheesy, but it isn't. It's actually really pretty."

I smile. I need a miracle.

_Eli_

"_Where are we going?" Julia asks me. She had just got done crying. "I want to show you something." I say as I take her hand. She squeezes it hard. "How's your face?" I look over to where her mom smacked her. "It stings a little, but it'll be fine…" she whispers._

_I can feel the tears coming on again. It's a good thing we're almost there. "Hold on Julia, we're almost there…" I rub my thumb across the top of her hand. I feel something wet on my hand. I pull over. We're here. _

_I take her waist and pull her into me. "It's okay," I whisper into her hair. She's never the one to cry. I don't know what to do. Her face is in my chest. She ends up falling asleep. It's about five when she wakes up. She looks at her surroundings. "Are you feeling better?" I ask her, moving the hair out of her face. She moves out of my lap, and looks out. It's still dark. _

"_It's nice out." She muses. I open my door. She comes out too. I hand her my jacket, she takes it and puts it on. I sit on the hood of my car, she comes over and sits next to. I put my arm around her. Giving her the sense of protection. She needs to know that. _

"_I love you." I look at her. She catches her breathe. She smiles a little bit. "I love you too." She looks out in the distance. _

I stop the car and get out, the breeze picks up. I hear Clare moan. No coat. I look in the back of my car, and I hand it to her. "Uh, thanks." She mumbles, but smiles at me. "No problem."

A sudden wave of dejavue runs through me. I shake it off. I sit at the edge of the hood of my car. Clare joins me. "Wow, this is nice." She turns to me, but doesn't say anything. I look away and look over the city of Toronto. "Yeah, it is. Besides the coldness." I laugh. "Are you cold?" She asks starting to take off my jacket. "No, Clare it's fine. I'm a big boy, I can handle it." I roll my eyes and smirk at her. She looks at me and shakes her head, "Whatever." She laughs

After a while, the wind is the only thing I hear.

I think about Julia. I really miss her.

"_You know, it would be smart to leave Mike alone." Julia tells me. "Yeah, why don't you just pay attention on swinging." I roll my eyes. "Damn, you really do have an anger problem." She gets up from her swing. She leaves me there._

_I sigh. I did it again. Pissed off three people today. "Eli, let's go!" I hear my mom call out. I roll my eyes, shrink time. _

"_So, how are things?" I look down. "Fine." I sigh. "How is the bullying?" That annoyed me. "I never said I was bullied," I always snapped at her. "What do you like about Julia?" She smiles at me. I actually smiled. _

_I used up the whole hour talking about her. "Well, she seems great." My counselor tells me as I exit the door. "She really is." I laugh. My mom looks between me and my counselor. "Good session?" She asks. My mom wraps her arms around me. My counselor looks at me and smiles, "I think so." My mom nods, "Good!" _

_I became friends with my counselor._

"You know what sucks," I start out. She looks at me, waiting. "Failure." I sigh. "Everyone has them." She shrugs. I nod. "I know," I laugh with no humor. "What's yours?" She asks me.

I don't even know what to say. "I have too many." I shake my head. "Mine is not keeping my parents together." She says looking down now. "But that was their decision. Not yours." I remind her. "Don't blame yourself for something you didn't do. It'll come back and haunt you later." I shake my head.

"Eli." She says. I raise my eyebrow. "Was that friend in your story you?"

**I read once in an article that some people will repeat past experiences if they are a past dweller. In my story Eli is one. **


	7. Chapter 7

_Eli_

I stared at her for a long time. She held my hand. What was I suppose to say? I couldn't tell her everything. I was starting to get nervous. I was hot now.

"What?" She asked nervous. My hands were getting clammy. I get off the car and walk over to the edge of the cliff. "Yeah, it was."

_Julia was dead. I killed her. I just stood there as she left…I should have…"Why!" I screamed._

_I came back where I took Julia, the night I told her I loved her. I stood over the edge. Looking down, it would be a long way down. I knew that. I kicked a rock. I never heard it land. I didn't even hear the echo._

_I couldn't see anything other than the city lights in the distance. I swayed a little. It was insane, but I wanted to jump off. Live up to the reputation that was built up at school._

"_Eli, don't be stupid," I could hear Julia stay. I rolled my eyes. She was dead. A pain slit my heart. I wanted to talk to my counselor. She was the only one I trusted. She moved though. Right before…I did it. I tried calling her earlier. She didn't answer. I understood. She did JUST move. I left a message. Could no one help?_

_I looked over the edge again. I teased myself, by putting my over the edge in the air. "ELI!" I looked behind me. I saw lights from a car, but no person behind the voice. I looked back to the edge. I felt arms surround me. I knew those arms. It was my mom. I got out of her embrace, I ran, but then I tripped. _

_I just laid down on the ground._

_I felt like a little kid again. Wanting mommy to kiss away the bad dreams and tell me it'll be okay. She scooped me up. "Not your fault," She told me as she wiped the hair from my face._

_I wish I could believe her._

I let anger get the best of me. I'm in the same position I was that night. "Eli, what are you doing?" Clare gets up from the car. "Remembering."

She stood next to me. "Remembering what?" She placed a hand on the small of my back. It felt so good. I pulled away a little. No one should comfort me. I don't deserve it. Especially from Clare. I had…grown feelings for her.

"I don't know you very well…But you're a great friend." I whispered.

"I feel open with you." She said. I wish I could feel the same. "You know if you need someone to talk to, I'm here, okay?" She looks at me straight in the eye.

I nodded. "I-" I started, but shook my head. She would freak. She would run. She would hurt me.

My heart started quicken. The endless possibilities. I worried too much to a point where I couldn't breathe. I was slowly getting there. It was like this with my hoarding. If I tried letting something go. I wouldn't be able too.

_Clare_

He looked at the edge of the cliff over and over again. This should have scared me, but I thought about jumping too. At one point everyone thinks about it. It's normal.

"Someone told me once, even the most strongest people in the world have failure." I told him. He laughs. "So, you're saying I'm strong?" I shrug. "You keep to yourself, that's for sure. But its okay. I use to be the same." I shrug.

He nods. "I don't think I'll ever be forgiven." He shakes his head, pushing it away. 'Everyone falls…you just have to keep pressing on, you know. Of course, I'm messed up too." I laugh and poke his side.

"You have a reason to be though. You didn't self inflict it on you." He smiles at me gently. "Maybe not, but a wound is a wound. It'll scar."

"I know…" He rubs his arms. "What else is there to do at night?" I ask him. He smiles. "There's a lot of things. I haven't really explored all the possibilities." He shrugs. "Maybe we should." I suggest.

I knew he was cold, I just really wanted him back in the car. We got in, we drove downtown, past Degrassi. "What's thee to do Thursday nights." I laugh. "I'm glad tomorrow is Friday." I sighed.

"I still have to write that paper. It's due next week." He says mostly to himself. He looks at me quickly, but looks away. We pass the diner. He goes by slow a little past the diner. But then speeds up. I hear him sigh.

"Is work such a drag?" I look at his profile. He cringes. He releases his green eyes to me. "Some nights are." He coughs a little. We pass by the place where I saw him park to the side. "What happened, that night you were parked?" I hope I'm not asking for too much.

"I saw someone from my past that I was hoping I wouldn't see." He grips the steering wheel more firmer. "Oh, I hate that." I mumble. He laughs, "Yeah, it sucks."

I yawn. "How's your mom?' He asks. I tried keeping it out. "She'll be fine…she scared me though. I lost Darcy, she's in Africa. I haven't talked to her in a really long time. My mom is the only thing I really have…except my dad. We're not really in talking terms. The last thing I remember saying is I can't stand you, after I left the hospital to go to the diner." I sighed. I just dumped everything…well almost…

"Things might be hard," he starts out, "But he's your dad. Hurting them is fun for a while, but what if something happens tonight?" He asks.

I knew I would feel guilty about it later. I hang my head. "You're right. But I was in the moment. I was so angry. I couldn't help it…" I shake my head. The tears are going to come. I am so emotional tonight!

"I want to show you something tomorrow," He tells me. "Show me what?" I keep the tears in.

"It has to do with that friend."


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter is what made me start this whole story really. I don't even know what to say to this chapter….I just hope it isn't terrible. Haha.**

_Eli_

I had gone home at five in the morning. I took Clare to the hospital and stayed with her, just for a while to make sure she was okay.

Mostly Clare was at the side of her mom's bed. I had a lot of time to think about this relationship we had…I liked her. She was…open, and so far she accepted me for I am. I was scared of this though.

I promised myself, to never hurt someone again. Not again. I wanted to leave the hospital earlier, but Clare was tired and exhausted.

There was no other chair, so I sat on the floor, Clare joined, and when I woke up Clare's head was on my shoulder.

And that's when I left. She was fine.

"Eli," My dad says from the couch. My mom was on the floor drinking a beer. She looked at me and smiled. I sat next to. I wasn't comfortable, I wanted her to hug me, but I decided to do something I hadn't done in a while.

I laid my head on her lap. She combed her hands through my hair.

"How are you sweetheart?" She asked. I'm tired, I'm worn out, I'm worried. I'm scared. "I'm fine," I yawned. I closed my eyes and drifted.

When I woke up, my mom seemed to move her way to the couch, I got up, fixing my hair and going to my room. I unlocked my door and went in. I sighed. Stuff was of course everywhere. It really did look like a tornado went through my room.

I needed help. But I know myself too well, that I'll never ask for it. I see the picture of Julia. I go over and move the stuff off of it, and look at it. I took it over to my bed.

It's been a while since I felt something for someone. Clare made me feel…Alive. Made me forget for a while. If that was possible. I loved the way she cared me, how she no matter what wanted to make things right, even if It means giving up her pride

Something I'm learning to do.

I had stayed in this state of depression, completely comfortable in pain. I didn't want to move. I kept everything in. I didn't want to lose anything.

My hoarding is reflected that way...If I lost something, or if I threw it out, it meant I was giving up on it…I didn't want that.

"What am I going to do?"

_Clare_

"Hey mom, I'm leaving." I whispered. I had cried myself out. I had no more tears left. I turned around, and I saw my dad staring at me.

"Hey," I said pushing past him. "Hey, I'm sorry about last night." I said, before leaving. I was walking down the hall, when I felt a pair of hands catch me. "I'm sorry how we've hurt you." He pulls me into a hug. "We never meant to do that." He kisses my forehead. I pull away. "But you guys did," I say and smile.

I went home to take a shower and eat. Maybe even sleep.

**1:00 am**

I woke up. I hadn't had that well of sleep in a while. I guess I should meet Eli.

On my way, I thought about that story. I hated how I told him everything about me, and yet he keeps me in the dark. Of course, tonight, things were going to change. At least I hoped.

I sat down in the booth. Barbra was there as usual. "Haven't seen you in a while." She smiled as she handed me an ice tea. "Yeah, some stuff came up." She sits for a second.

"With Eli?" She smiles. I shrugged. "Kind of."

I smiled. "That boy started last year." She looks down and nods. "Come to think of it, it was after that crash. I saw it, that was pretty bad. Poor girl." I looked at her.

"He's a good worker though." She patted my knee as she got up. I shook my head and smiled. I stared at the ceiling for a while.

This diner had character. I liked it. I bet there was a lot of talks here. Heartbreaks, and good times. The ideal scenarios. There was a couple over in the corner. They seemed happy.

"Ready?" I heard someone say. I looked. It was Eli. He looked nervous. That made me nervous. "Are you okay?" I got up. He shrugged. Great. This is how its gonna be. I sighed, already pissed.

We got in his Hearse that he named Morty. "Clare, if you don't want to talk to me ever again, then, I understand." He says looking at me. "Okay," I said. I just wanted to know why he was acting weird.

"Okay," He says as he starts the car. We drive, just a little bit down the road, and he comes to a stop. "What's wrong?" I ask.

He takes a deep breathe. "This is where it happened." He inhales air. "Where what happened?"

He looks straight. "This is where I killed my girlfriend."

So it wasn't a friend…It was…

"I don't…" I shake my head.

I looked back. Right outside the diner. "We're not even that far away from the diner." I looked at him. I can see tears at the rim of his eyes.

"My feelings have grown stronger for you…I can't be with you. I don't deserve to!" His voice goes high. I look at the cross. It was there. In eye sight.

"It was last year, we got in a fight, I said some things I shouldn't have, she was really upset…" He grips the steering wheel. "Took off in the middle of night on her bike, when we were talking in the diner. I got in my car and followed her here… She got hit by a car." He shakes his head.

He sucks in air. "It was really bad, Clare." I don't look at him. I just look straight at that cross.


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay, last chapter was short. I don't know about this one…Anyways. This chapter is kind of up and down…I don't like it, actually. But I wanted to put more of their relationship, just a little…**

_Eli_

We sat there in silence. "Eli," She said. I looked at her briefly. "You're torturing yourself by working there." She looked back again at the dinner.

Like my hoarding, "I don't want to forget." I shrugged. "You won't forget necessarily…But you…How do I say this?" She looks down. "Let go?" I suggest.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." She scooted over to me, and took my hand.

'Stop…I don't…I just can't do this…" I can't let someone in. I shook my head.

She got out of the car, and started walking. I hit the steering wheel. Way to go Eli. Dammit! I'm a jackass, but I don't know what to do. I started my car, and started to drive. I didn't look back.

I drove around Toronto, thinking of somewhere to go. I should have gone and take Clare home. I didn't. Mistake after mistake. I've gone past the diner for an hour. I've gone to Julia's death spot.

I remembered the graffiti corner. It was right outside of Toronto. Julia and I have always gone. There was one wall that _someone _tagged. And by the end of the year, everyone started to follow. Later, I found out, Julia was the mastermind behind it.

Julia loved designs, she took me there, for our second date.

When I arrived, there were people there. I hadn't been here in forever. I couldn't help but feel a stab to my heart. There were fights here. But there were a lot of good times here too.

I looked at it again. It wasn't the same. We ran out of wall, so there was a lot of overlapping, so now it just looks terrible.

I left, I shouldn't be here.

I really would like to sleep. But my mind is everywhere. What if Clare got hit by a car? What if she got jumped, raped, abused? I started to worry. Oh God. I would be completely responsible for another death.

I sped to the diner. She wasn't there. I'm such an ass. She won't talk to me…Find her alive first, Eli.

I see a bus stop, with no bus, with a girl. Clare. I park the car, and slowly walk to the bus stop.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, not looking at me. "Are you okay?" What type of question was that. "I mean, I'm sorry…I have this thing…." I don't even want to say it.

_Clare_

He struggles for words. I'm not mad at him. I'm upset mostly with myself, cause I've never dealt with this before. I pity him. "You have this what?" I encourage him, by putting my hand on his back.

He'll pull away. I know this. He takes my hand and holds it.

"I have this thing about getting close to people…I have more problems, at home. Not just with my parents, but something else…I'm afraid, if I let people in…" He stops.

"Keep going." I tell him lightly. "That they'll die. I don't think I can handle it. I put up this front, but inside," He shakes his head.

"You're emotional. Everyone is like that. But everyone shows it differently." He squeezes my hand. "But, I'm here. I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon." He cringes.

He looks relieved, but guilty.

"You know, Insomnia is just the symptom of something larger. Find out what's actually wrong. Listen to your body." I smile. "Fight Club," He smiles at me.

"Figures you would know…only you though," I shake my head and laugh. "There's other reasons why I can't sleep at night though." He whispers.

I don't know if I want to know. "What are they?" I ask, trying to ask nonchalantly. "My room is a mess." He shakes his head.

"Isn't most teenage boys?" I laugh a little. He shrugs. "Depends." He shakes his knees. He looks around like he's paranoid. "Hey, you okay?" I always seem to be asking. "I just get a little anxious." He shrugs it off.

"What helps you not be so anxious?" I trace circles on his hand with my thumb. "That helps. My mom use to do that to calm me down." He says looking down at my hands.

"Eli, do you have a psychologist?"

"Yeah, I use to, but she left right before Julia died."

"Have you ever thought about getting another one? I can help you." I look at him, but he's looking down. "I don't think it's a psychologist I need to see." He gives me an impish smile.

I don't think I'll ever figure this guy out.

I shiver. "Come on, I can give you a ride." He offers. "Good, cause I hate buses." I didn't really want to ride my bike home either.

I get in the car. I'm so tired. "Why don't you just lay down here while I drive you home?" He suggests. I shrug. I lay down, right next to him. "Is your dad home?" I hear him.

"Hospital." She says yawning. "Are they getting along?" He tries to ask nicely. "For my mom's sake. They're taking her out of the hospital soon, so, the peace is going to stop right when she gets out."

"You can put your head on my lap if it's comfortable," He says. So I do.

He smiles down at me. "What?" I laugh.

"Nothing."

**Okay, So I'm deciding to stop the story in a chapter or two, and make a sequel for the hoarding…or to combine them in this story. Anyways, ideas are highly welcomed…like I said, I don't like this chapter…**


	10. Chapter 10

**I had a few reviewers wanting Clare and Eli sleeping together. Well, they can't just "sleep" together. But I hope this is satisfying…And, I think I am going to be updating Fridays-Sunday, depending if I have a ton of stuff to do. I started school again, and my AP English isn't very fun…But, yeah…I am going to end this story pretty quick. In a chapter or two, like I said. I'm done ranting now.**

_Eli_

I brought Clare over to my house, we both were pretty worn out. I got a blanket and gave it to her, she was already on my couch. I was deciding whether to stay out her or go up to my room.

Then I thought about the possibility of her asking a question and going up to my room. I shook my head at the thought. I knew if I walked in that room I would be overwhelmed. Just the thought freaked me out. It's not like I didn't try to organize.

"Thanks," I turn around, she's flipping through the channels on the TV. I go over and sit down right next to her.

"For what?" I take the remote and absent mindedly doing the same thing. Nothing good was on at five in the morning.

"Just for everything." She smiles. I put my feet up on the table and laid my head back. Seventy-two hours of little sleep. I closed my eyes.

I felt Clare's head against my shoulder. Without thinking I put my arm around her, I sort of smile as she gets closer.

This was new territory for me. I liked how it felt, her body so close to me. I should pull away, but I wanted to be here with her. To just stop and stay here for a while.

Julia and I had a very different relationship than this. It was serious committed. I don't remember all of the good parts from it. But I suppose, from my personal experience, it was normal.

Everyone wants to remember the good parts to the relationships when someone dies. Whereas, I think about all the parts that I failed out. Was I not good enough for her? I already knew the answer…

I heard soft snores from Clare. I just stared at her soft face. I hoped her dreams were peaceful.

I sighed. I wouldn't be worth it. Clare deserves someone who isn't an ass. Or too hard to handle. She deserves someone who will be able to always be there for her. I apparently wasn't there for Julia more than I should have…

I knew I beat myself up too much, but I seem to kill everything good thing I have. My parents, our relationship has felt dead.

Just another thing to my list.

_Clare_

I heard a slam, and that woke me up, I quickly looked at the time on my phone. Nine o'clock. I went back to sleep. I was hoping I was dreaming. I really didn't want to wake up.

I felt secure, safe, were I was.

"I just don't know what to do with him anymore," I heard someone say.

"I haven't seen the inside of Eli's room since Julia died…" I kept listening. I know. Eve's dropping. "Hmm, well, maybe we can discuss the options on what type of therapy. Obviously we want to stop this issue as soon as possible. But if we get into it too quickly, it would most likely put him in a panic attack." Another voice said.

"I think he's home. I see his car parked. I don't want to bother him if he's sleeping. Poor kid..." I heard a sigh. "Does he not sleep Mrs. Goldsworthy?" The voice said intrigued.

I pressed my body closer too Eli to a point where I could hear his heart beat.

"Call me CeCe. But the insomnia started after she died too."

I was right. I was never going to figure this guy out. I cant have a relationship that'll always be in the dark. He said he wanted to be with me, but he won't let me in.

"Let me go upstairs quickly. He could be sleeping in our bed. Bullfrog Is at work still."

"Or they could be sleeping on the couch." I tensed.

"They?" I heard the woman, CeCe say.

"Eli hasn't brought a girl since…" She doesn't have to finish the sentence. I calm myself down for a minute. I wish I was asleep. I don't think I could hear anymore about this.

He had been holding back a lot from me. And I was tired of it.

Now I'm curious. What was he hiding in his room?

**Oh crap…Haha, review. I also have another story I'm putting up. If you guys wanted to see it. Anyways, If I can I'll write another chapter Saturday..it depends.**


	11. Chapter 11

**This is the last chapter. I wrote it differently from the other chapters. I'm going to write an epilogue though. **

_Clare_

Clare had left after CeCe and Eli's therapist left. She looked over to him, he was still sleeping.

When Clare got home, she didn't understand what she saw. Both of her parents in the same room. Not yelling. He father was feeding Clare's mother.

'Uh, hey guys," She said, her voice hoarse. They both looked up at her. Her dad barely nodded at her. Her mother smiled weakly.

Clare went upstairs to take a shower. She wanted to be happy about this. So why shouldn't she? This wouldn't last, she thought. Her feelings she was afraid of, for Eli, wouldn't last either. What were they talking about? Se had to come up with a plan, but she had no idea how.

He was the only guy Clare could be herself with. She excluded herself from her other friends because she knew that most of them haven't been in this situation.

She sighed as she stood in the shower. He did have to work tonight didn't he? She could try to go to his house. Just to see what was in his room. Clare did know better, but if she wanted to get over him, she first needed a clear mind.

_Eli_

Eli woke up alone. That was the first thing he noticed. He sighed a bit disappointed, but he knew she had to go home. He had listened to her half sleep talk, and she mentioned that her mom was coming home today. He knew Clare wanted to see her.

He got up from the coach and rubbed the back of his neck. He was a little stiff there. He took the blanket from the couch and put it in the basket next to the couch where they kept all the blankets.

He went to the kitchen and he smiled in remembrance of this morning. He really cared about Clare and he wanted to be thee for he. He didn't really know their relationship. But one thing for sure was. He wanted to kiss her.

He surprised himself with the thought. Where the hell did that come from anyway? He tried to shake it off but couldn't.

He loved Julia. No matter if he was falling hard for Clare or not. He would always love Julia. There was a part of him that no girl would ever have because it belonged to Julia.

He sighed and went up to his room. Emotionally, it drained him to go up there. He always thought he was better off alone. No would accept him. I mean, why would they? No matter what, Eli always found a way to put himself down. Sometimes he just wanted to drop the world.

He picked up some trash from the floor and held it in his hands. There was the trash bag. The only thing that was empty and room in it. He held the wrapper over the trash bag. He tried and tried to make himself throw it away. It WAS just trash. So why couldn't he? It was simple but so hard.

There was something wrong, but he would never admit it. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. He hated the fact that there would be a glitch in his brain. He wanted it fixed, he had hope that maybe it could be. But he learned hope leads to disappointment.

He held the piece of trash to his heart. He could feel his heart beating faster. He dropped it on the floor. The mountains of stuff in his room overwhelmed him. As it often did.

He did want a change. But with change, he thought. Comes a lot of pain. He wasn't sure he could handle it. If trying to throw away something overwhelmed him, then trying to get rid of all this stuff would overwhelm him even more.

He heard a door slam from the next room. Most likely that was his dad. They hadn't talked much. In fact, Eli hadn't talked much to anyone than Clare. He was sure his dad saw him with Clare. Eli stayed in his room, not wanting to be embarrassed. But also because when he was in his room, he didn't want to get out.

He did hear talking though. Both parents were here. He sat on the bed, he could hear them through the thin walls.

They were talking about earlier was what Eli picked up. He listened more. Intrigued. What had his mom seen? He didn't really want to listen. He tried not to at least. He looked at the clock and realized that his shift at the dinner was coming quick. He had gotten dressed.

He took his time getting out of his room. Down the hall his mom came out. "Guess what Eli?" She said, smiling. "I think we're gonna eat at the diner tonight." He rolled his eyes. "I thought you were going to tell me something more interesting."

He gave his mom a peck on the cheek as he told her that he was leaving. CeCe watched him leave, she didn't know how to tell him about the therapist.

She quickly looked at his door and noticed he didn't lock it all the way. She wanted to look in, but she refrained. Better leave it as it was. She thought.

Eli started the car. He felt kind of lonely alone in that car. And normally that would please him, but he did want company. And the only person to supply that company was from Clare.

He always smiled when he thought of her.

The drive to the diner was slow. He always seemed to drive slower as he passed the place where he killed Julia. It was literally right there, so close to the diner. Whenever he was on break before Clare came he would drive to the place and just sit there. No, it wasn't healthy. But what else was there to do?

Barbra greeted him as he entered. He saw saw some kids from school. He quickly asked them what they wanted to drink. A lot of them knew Eli as the emo boy. That's what they called him when they needed a refill. Every time Eli resisted the urge to call them out.

His parents came a little while after the smartass teenagers left. His parents liked to be cheesy about it. He rolled his eyes but rolled with it.

He looked to the door always hoping Clare would arrive, but she wouldn't come. He repeated to himself. For a while he can go on without thinking about it. But when it did, it hit him pretty hard.

_Clare_

For the past few hours Clare went from the kitchen to the couch feeding her mom, giving her messages, taking her to the bathroom, helping her in the bathroom. For the most part Clare didn't mind it, but she wanted to relax some.

Finally, her mother had fallen asleep. Her dad left about two hours ago to go to "work" but she knew he was lying.

Clare went upstairs and got her backpack out. She needed to finish some homework. She kind of fell behind on it. That surprised her. Saint Clare falling behind on homework? She honestly didn't care at that point.

She was too tired to care. Whenever her mind started to wander, it wandered to the same place. Eli.

She stopped every time she thought about him. It was really killing her.

She looked at her mom to see if she was still asleep, she was. And hopefully she would stay like that.

It was eleven. She had gotten her bike out from the garage and started to pedal towards Eli's house. She really hoped his parents were home. She came up with a million excuses if they found her there.

She didn't know what his parents were like. If they were like her parents, Clare would be going to jail. She kind of laughed to the thought, but then frowned. That seemed to happen a lot.

She had those highs of happiness, but then she thought about her life. She was trying to make the best of it. She was always an optimist. She just wished things were different.

Saint Clare in a crisis. She laughed at the thought.

She stopped when she saw his house. All the lights were off. He wasn't home. He had work tonight. His parents could be asleep. She could just sneak in.

She kind of turned into a rebel within the last day. She was surprised. Maybe she was rubbing off of Eli. She wanted to believe it, but doubted it.

She turned the handle on the door. It was open. Her breath quickened. She looked around the room. All was quiet. She listened for snoring. She didn't hear any.

She slowly made her way upstairs. Luckily, the stairs didn't creak as she went up them. She had never been upstairs. Actually, she had only been in the living room. She looked in the bathroom, and she even looked in the closet.

She went further down the hall, and saw a door with a lock. She looked puzzled. Why would it have a lock? She smelt different things coming from that room. She wasn't sure she wanted to go in there.

She went down more to the end of the hall, there was the last door. She barely creaked it open. No one was in there from what she could tell. She was breathing so hard that she freaked herself out.

This didn't look like Eli's room at all. Had she missed something?

She closed her eyes at the realization. The door with the lock was Eli's room. It had to be his room. She slowly walked back down the hall to the door of his room.

She didn't open it. She wanted to open it like you would rip the bandage off from the wound. But she just stood there. Making no action.

"Come on Clare." She whispered. She was shaking. She put her hands around the lock and noticed it wasn't completely locked. All she had to do was take the lock off. So she did.

She put her hand on the door knob. Just. Open. It. She kept thinking.

_Eli_

It was a slow night. Have of the time he was sitting with his parents and Barbra. They use to do this, but one person was missing. Julia.

He looked down at his coffee and noticed he was out. He got up when Barbra pushed him back down. "Let me get it for you dear," She smiled at him.

He nodded looking out the window. He had the perfect view. He replayed the accident in his head over and over. "Eli," He heard his mom say. Slowly he turned his head to her.

"Well, your dad and I. We think it would be…." CeCe stopped. This wasn't like her. Eli and his mom were the same in the way where they weren't afraid to hold anything back unless they were nervous.

He looked at her seriously now. "What? What is it?" He said putting his hands on his lap. He looked between her and Bullfrog. His dad looked just as nervous.

"We got you a therapist for…" She stopped again. Eli closed his eyes. For his _problem_. He hated saying the word. So did his parents.

"Your problem with stuff." She finished looking down. He sighed. Barbra came back with a to go cup. "Here you go," She sat it down in front of him. He looked at the cup and looked at Barbra.

"You can go home Eli," She said. "But I'm working," He said getting up. He didn't want to listen to his parents anymore. He wanted to work. "Slow night. Go home and sleep for once kid." She smiled at him and mused his hair.

Oh boy. He thought. It was a good thing he had his own car to drive home. He needed the time to think.

He got the check for his parents and left. Apparently Barbra was going to ring them up. He left quickly passing by Julia's death spot. He wanted to stop and think there, but that wasn't in his best interest at the moment.

He rushed home. He didn't know why. It wasn't like he could hide in his covers anymore.

When he put the car in park, he stayed in the car for a while. He breathed in some air as he got out.

He walked up to his front door and opened it. It was like his family to keep things unlocked. No one ever came to his house. It wasn't like people came to visit Eli. He put his stuff on the stair steps.

He went upstairs to go to his room.

He noticed the door was open.

His heart was beating faster than it ever had before. He whipped the door open and found Clare.

A million thoughts were racing in his mind.

"Eli!" She screamed. H was exposed. A deer in the headlights. He shook his head. "What…What are you doing in my room?" He tried to breathe correctly, but it was like his lungs came out.

"Oh my-" Was all he could say. He was on the verge of a very big panic attack. Clare didn't know what to do. She quickly looked at the room and she ran out,

He sunk to the ground and curled up into a ball. He felt like dying.

His parents came in the house. He was shaking, his breathing was hard. He didn't know what he had to do. Someone once told him when you have a panic attack, it's the close to the same thing as a heart attack.

_Clare_

Clare ran up to her bed and started to cry. She didn't know why but she did. She should have stayed. He was so scared.

What was wrong with him? She snuck into his room to find that….he was so messy. But that just doesn't happen on it's own. She was right. There was something wrong, but it was bigger than she thought.

She tried to forget about the thought. But she had to say it.

"Eli is a hoarder."

She came to terms with it before. Her aunt kind of had a problem like that a long time ago. But that apparently was way before Clare's time. She saw pictures of her aunt's house. It was worse than Eli's room.

Her mom talked to her about it when they were looking at old photos. She said some people do it after something traumatic happened. Clare at that time didn't understand it until now.

She felt awful now.

She got up and sniffled and was deciding what to do next. She just learned Eli's big secret and she left. Left because she was scared. And everyone thought Saint Clare could handle everything. 

For the first time in a long time, Clare fell asleep.

_Eli_

He had stayed in that position the whole night. His mom sat next to him but there was nothing she could really do.

He wanted to ask her to hold him, but he already showed enough weakness.

He looked over at his mom. She waited for him to talk. "We're not going to work out…" He whispered. CeCe didn't know much about Clare, but from what she could tell, she was changing him.

"But you seemed so happy with her," She said taking his hand.

"I was," He looks at the wall. He sighs, "But now, she knows the real me." He said the last part in a hoarse voice.

He could feel the tears. He tried holding them back. "It sucks living like me mom…It's hell." He looks into his room and feels overwhelmed.

"We tried to help you…I guess we just let you get a little bit…lost." She looks down in shame. He stares at her. "Lost in my own room."

CeCe nodded at her son. "It's been a long time since we lost Julia, we never thought you could get better,"

Eli's thoughts were racing. He thought about the therapist and he thought about his room and Julia. "But wonder if I forget her?"

"That stuff in your room is not Julia. Julia is in here," She took Eli's hand and put it against her heart. "And she's want you to be happy."

He let his hand stay. What's your next move Eli? He thought.

He knew what he had to do. He slowly got up. "What are you gonna do?" CeCe asked.

He sighed. "I have to go talk to Clare." He went to go get his keys, and left.

**The end. I'm going to write an epilogue most likely on Friday.**


	12. Chapter 12

**This epilogue is dedicated to SeeingSparrks because she really encouraged me to keep writing, because there was many times where I didn't want to write the rest of this…And Devin the Fabulous, we had this conversation on twitter about first love and how it's intense…it really is…Though our opinions are different, I really loved what she said. I also want to dedicate this to HaileyTime on twitter as well, we had a discussion on past regrets, and what she said to me about my regrets, her words are somewhat laced in this. She's my "Clare" haha. And there is this paper I had to write in AP English, on who was someone that changed my life. It was due Friday…So, I kind of tweaked it, and I wrote about what changed my life. And I wrote about death. Because the people that I loved who changed my life had died, they changed my life by dying. So, later in the story, I hope that makes sense…**

**I do not own Degrassi and all its characters. I do own Barbra and the Chef, Favio. I also do not own Fix You by Coldplay.**

Eli looked down at the blank paper in front of him and sighed. He had writers block. He would try to write something, but then he'd crumple it up and throw it on his dresser. He knew he would never find it again.

The past three days Clare and him would talk a little about his life and what made him who he is. The night he went over to her house changed the way he thought about people.

_When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can't sleep stuck in reverse. _

_And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something that you can't replace. _

_When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? _

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you. _

[Flashback.]

Eli got in his car and started it. He kept on trying not to go, thinking up of every excuse possible.

He must have scared her, made her cry, upset her. Every time he thought about it he'd piss himself off more. What the hell was wrong with him?

So when he arrived at her house she was waiting outside. Maybe it was by instinct that she knew he would come. Whatever it was, she got her bag and made her way into the car.

It was silent at first, he sighed as he started out, "It started after Julia died, the not throwing stuff out." He paused taking a quick breather.

He quickly glanced over at her, she waited patiently. "Every time I try to throw out something, I feel like I'm going to die…or someone is going to…someone I love…"

Clare's thoughts immediately went to his room. Mountains of things everywhere. The smell, how cramped it was. She would never understand it.

"So, did you, did you try to get rid of stuff in the early stages of it?" She whispered. He thought about it for a while. Then he nodded. "I tried. But I gave up trying and just let it be."

_And high up above and down below. When you're too in love to let it go, but if you never try you'll never know, just watch it work._

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you._

She was stumped. "You can't let past regrets keep you from moving on." She said lightly. He thought about it. Scared. He was scared of moving on, because moving on meant a lot of pain.

He knew this. But he felt so guilty. He lived with this guilt for a very long time, and he was at his breaking point with it. If he wanted change, he knew Clare was willing to help him get it. But was he willing to let her help him?

_Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace._

_Tears stream down your face, and I…tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream down your face and I…_

"Because at some point, you'll completely get lost in it. " She shook her head.

"She was someone who was there for me when I needed her." He was scared because he knew Clare would be there for him too. He had put people, even his parents at a distance because he was so scared of losing someone.

"It was intense…I thought it was love."

That was just the way he was though. At least that's what he was telling himself. Whenever Eli took a liking to someone, he was in it for life. That was just the way it worked. He was an intense lover.

He shook his head as he turned right. "But I don't even know anymore."

"I've never been in love," Clare whispered. They shared something in common. They were both hesitant when it came to love. Clare didn't love KC in that way.

He looked over at her. "Maybe that's better," She quickly looked at him but looked down at her palm, tracing the lines.

"I don't want to be like my parents." She added. "I don't want another dead girlfriend," Eli whispered. It was ridiculous, he knew it was.

Clare cringed. He was trying to stop himself from saying this, holding it back as much as he could, but he let his heart win. "Clare, I want to be with you,"

It sounded cheesy. It was stupid. He wanted to smack himself. She didn't say anything. She just kept staring at her palm. Did she hear him?

He was beating himself up mentally. His hands started to get sweaty.

She smiled softly at him. "I want to be with you too." But she was scared. Not scared of him really, it scared of what came next. "I'm afraid though," She stated.

He didn't look at her. He looked down guilty. "It's understandable."

He was a ship full of problems, with never ending drama. There was no lifeboats on his ship. Once you're in, you're in for life. That's how he saw it.

She rolled her eyes. "Not like that. I'm scared of not knowing what to say. What to do. I've never been in a relationship like this."

She knew she could handle it, but didn't know_ how. _

Eli thought about it a while. "So what do we do now?" He turned to her and asked.

[End of flashback]

"_The boy never cried again, and he never forgot what he learned. That to love is to destroy. And that to be loved, is to be the one destroyed."_

_What happens when A person dies? Do they go somewhere? Do they rot in the ground, in the ocean, their ashes dissolving? What happens to their soul? Does it die with them? Or remain?_

_I had always wondered what happened. Some people base their answers off belief. But belief has never worked for me. _

_I guess, something that has changed my life, would be death. It happens. Whether if anyone's prepared for it or not. My uncle and I were close, he was truly someone I looked up to for almost everything. We all have those people. I had known him for sixteen years, and he died. _

_It hit me hard, that life is so short and fragile. _

_I once knew this girl, her name was Julia. She was my best friend, a little on the downside, but she was probably the only one who really got me, or better yet, understood me._

_Although, things happen, people change, and we fell out of what we once had. It was one of those in the moment things. She died the night we finally addressed our relationship. I didn't realize how much of a hold she had on me until she died. _

_Everyone deals it a different way, often, leaving the person they changed in a whirlwind of uncontrollable emotion…_

_And sometimes, just when you feel like hope is lost, someone else will come into the picture….And sometimes, you have to let go, and move on. Just so you can let your life be changed again…"_

He finished typing it. He honestly hated his paper. Tomorrow he would have to turn it in. He pulled away from his laptop and packed his stuff up.

Clare was going to meet him at the park. He wanted to show her his paper, but he didn't want to. It was confusing. He hoped Ms. Dawes wouldn't mark him.

He walked to the park instead of taking Morty. He really needed to think.

His therapy started tomorrow, he was a little afraid to go. The hoarding was something difficult to talk about. He really didn't want to share it with someone he didn't know. He admitted it. He felt a little betrayed when his parents told him.

Although he would agree, he screwed up big time, digging his hole deeper than it ever was. He wanted the help. But he didn't want it from the therapist. Because he loved his parents, he would go. But he secretly wanted Clare to help him.

His heart would beat a little faster when he thought about her. He hadn't felt that feeling in a while. He liked it, it made him feel really good inside.

When he arrived, Clare was sitting on a blanket with text books in front of her. "Hey,' He said as he put his back pack on the ground near her shoes.

She looked up at him and smiled. "Hey," She closed her book and gave him her full attention.

"Tomorrow is my first day of therapy," He moaned ripping grass out of the ground.

She gave him half a smile. "But you want to get better right?" She took his hand. He looked at their hands. And he shrugged.

"Why the shrug?" She asked. He did want to get better. He thought about it once.

"Because I don't want to forget her," He hated bringing Julia up. It was like a slap in the face to Clare. Although Clare would never admit it.

"You're not over her," She said nodding. He closed his eyes, wanting to get lost in the darkness. "It's not that…" He thought about his paper and how death can really shake a person up.

"It's just that," He stopped. "When I think about her," He stopped again. He just wished he could spit it out. "When I think about her I feel really guilty."

She smiled softly at him. "It's going to happen, but you just have to push past it,"

He looked at her, and he started to lean in. His heart was beating even more so than it already was. The kiss started out soft, and slow. He hadn't kissed anybody since Julia, and Clare, with KC, it was rare when they kissed.

But this kiss was different than all the others, it was…something that they both needed. Like a seal of some sort.

Eli pulled away. Clare quickly looked away and blushed. "What? Was it that bad?" Eli laughed.

Clare wanted to hide because of her embarrassment. She looked back at him. "No, it was…" she shook her head and smiled. "It was amazing." She smiled.

It grew quiet again. Eli was debating with himself. "Clare, will you help me with my room?" He asked her. That was a big step for him. She looked at him and smiled. "Yeah, I will."

He thought about Julia again, he hoped she wouldn't be mad at him. Eli got up from the blanket and started walking towards his house. "Where are you going?" Clare called out.

"I'll see you at my house," He said with a smile. Right now, he needed to be alone. He had to figure out the next step.

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you._


End file.
